So last week, I wrote a post about the the things we carry around in our bags . A few of you were kind enough to disclose your own bag contents including Anonymous who gave a detailed inventory of his tool box right down to the "blue poop bag with a knot in it."
A chance at full disclosure in the safety of this good-natured blog, and still, Ex Urban Pedestrian (XUP) refuses to divulge what's in that conspicuous backpack of hers, saying only that it "shouldn't see the light of day." Interesting. But ve have vays. While stalking staking out her website, I deduced that XUP has made a grave error. In this seemingly innocent post, she reveals how we may extract the information we desire. Embedded in her post is a list described as...wait for it... "ways to make me talk". How cunning, XUP.
Methinks you subconciously vant us to know what's in that bag. Where shall we start? With your #1. Make me sit in a full-day management meeting or #4. Teach me to knit? or my favorite, #10. Give me moment-by-moment updates on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt?
We'll table this discussion for now because I don't want fly to Canada we can always come back to it and besides, I really want to write my own "ways you can make me talk" have a serious discussion about torture.
So here are my Vays to Make Me Talk:
- Make me eat black-eyed peas.
- Make me sit through any movie in 3-D.
- Make me work at the YMCA Membership desk on a sunny Sunday afternoon when nobody comes inside and my job consists of nexteling false alarms to the security guard or calling my boss at home and snoring loudly into the receiver.
- Make me watch people stick, stab, poke, or jab with sharp objects. Or just watch people walk around with sharp objects that I might anticipate sticking, stabbing, poking, or jabbing...
- Make me listen to or see medical procedures. I don't want to see your stitches, your broken bones, or hear about your surgeries and I damn sure don't want to watch them on tv.
So I can never be trusted with any high level security information or deep family secrets. I will give away our children and our country if somebody so much as points a pencil or flips up a used band-aid. Family secrets? I just go around spewing those by accident. XUP, you're right to keep that backpack to yourself.
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I don't like 3D or IMAX either. I'm not much fond of going to the movies or watchin DVDs either. It's all about sitting still and/or being exposed to giant objects in dimensional vision. So, okay, I'll tell you what's in my back pack. I'll start with the little side pockets. One has my cell phone, the other had a small mirror and lip balm and lip gloss. The center one has my bus pass and my work building pass and ID. The front pocket contains my wallet, a pen, Tylenol, a Swiss army knife, bobby pins, band-aids, hand lotion, hand santizer, lipstick, cover stick, eye pencil, dental floss, old lottery tickets and newspaper clippings for possible future blogs and my keys on a handy clip thing and my reading glasses. The main pocket contains my daytimer, my lunch in an environmentally friendly lunch bag, a hat and gloves in case it gets cold, usually some shoes for work and at least one article of clothing on the way home because it's always warmer then, a book and/or a newspaper.The main pocket may also contain, at various times, some groceries, just bought toiletries or files of stuff from work. There. Happy now?
I forgot to mention my sunglasses and my water bottle.
As a matter of fact, yes, NOW I'm happy XUP. But frankly, I sense you are being slightly tight-lipped now that I've read the details of the bag's contents. I can find no breach of national security or impediment to domestic tranquility hidden in that bag of yours. Are you being a smidgen secretive? A tad reticent? A bit (as our friends to the south would say) reservado? I have a copy of "Escape to Witch Mountain" in 3-D - featuring Dwayne - The Rock - Johnson with your name on it...and Laura's NOT afraid to use it!
This reminds me of that time 4 years ago that I was eating a giant bowl of black-eyed peas when my cat walked too close to a candle and caught fire. I used my right hand to put him out and was burned all the way down to the subcutaneous tissue. They had to slice open my abdomen and insert my hand to get new skin to grow back over the raw muscle. Then they had to cut my hand out of my abdomen and reshape the new raw flesh.
Just kidding. Now spill all the family secrets.
Okay, okay, I give up. I'll tell everyone everything they want to know. The Swiss Army knife is really Korean. There. And the Tylenol is really a generic acetaminophen. And the dental floss contains cyanide in case I'm ever captured.
XUP-you're right again. I shouldn't have pressed. Can't you have something scarey, at least? A hatchet or a vial of drool? Although, now that I think about it...how prepared you are is a little scarey. I guess that will have to do.
Barb, the only thing about that strategy is I AM afraid to use it! We'd both be spilling our guts.
Geewits, aw man...my mother is really my great Aunt Lucy, you can have a couple of my nieces, and Osama is in Atlanta. Seriously, Geewits, I almost convulsed my breakfast into the next room. Some warning, atleast! I'm going to have to find a therapist now. It'll be weeks before I can blot your comment out of my head.
XUP- (First, a knowing smirk and head nod to you!)My travel-sized dental floss container actually holds a GPS locator in case I am abducted.
geewits-Did you have general anesthesia - or were the minor procedures performed with just a local?? Also, it might have been a case of an accidental air blast shooting the cat into the candle after all those black-eyed peas; not that cats are as smart as dogs...but that *could* have done it...
LL- I'm bringing the movie to DC.
this is hilarious, i tend to enjoy filmed surgeries and gross medical stuff.
i'll have to ponder what would make me talk.
I'd love to hear what would make you talk, Piglet. Especially since you're so interested in watching surgeries. Argghh!
... and what kind of lunch was inside of that enviornmentally friendly bag xup? eh?
Raino, she probably had a lettuce leaf and a tofu biscuit.
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